come what may

-

2009-01-12T03:14:00.001+08:00

What is one to do when she is disappointed?

Sigh, and turn away.

(Maybe I shouldn't talk to him anymore. Fuck him who is my father. In this lifetime, I feel no remorse for those who has done wrong to those who had once loved him.)

Life is wonderful...

2009-01-10T01:38:00.000+08:00

Jason Mraz is a singer that most people would have heard of because of the song "I'm yours". However, little publicity is given to many other of his wonderful songs, so I thought that I should let you guys listen to one of my favourite Mraz Songs of all time, "Life is wonderful". Enjoy!

Also, because of my colleagues, I kinda have this song by Beyonce(if I'm not wrong) stuck in my head. It's called "If I were a boy".

If I Were A Boy - Beyonce

Note: Haha. Suddenly I wish I were a guy.

Maybe you fear what you don't know.

2008-12-25T01:04:00.000+08:00

Many times I see people shun things around them because they do not understand why those things happen. One of those thing that people always shun is the fact that homosexuality would always exist in this world. I'm not trying to psycho people to become homosexuals, but I feel that people should always be respected and they should not be discriminated just because of their sexuality. In any case, I came across this little... piece(if thats what you wish to call it), and I feel that, really, homosexuals don't have an easy life.

(Note: I know some of you would care less for the homosexuals, so you could leave now, taking whatever nasty remarks you have and shoving them up your ass. As for those who are polite but still wish not to see things about homosexuals, I'm sorry, but leaving may also be a better choice for you.)

"I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working in the streets because nobody will hire a transexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful tear-filled night
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the men who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world need most, Love.
I am the person who is afraid off telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male"

I do not credit myself to have written this, because I did not. It hurt when I read this, because this people are either in fear or are feared because of who they loved. What if we lived in a world where homosexuality was the majority? Would heterosexual be those that go through all the suffering instead? Sometimes when I see how guys around me shun another perfectly healthy male just because of their sexuality, I feel really disappointed, because I always though that those guys were more than that.

I may not be a homosexual, but at least I understand that love is love, no matter who the other party is.

That strange taste lingering behind...

2008-12-18T16:37:00.000+08:00

Have you guys ever had that funny feeling that you really really want someone and because you know you can't have that person, everything in your body feels wrong? Haha. I have, and it's so damn weird. Of course, it may be because that I was working 'til 1 a.m. and that I slept at four because I was on the phone. Tsktsk.

Anyway, I've just watched Twilight on monday night, and even though I paid $8 for it(normally, I go for the student price, but preview doesn't have student price), I think it was duper worth it. I know that the movie would never be as good as the book(DUH!), but it was so much better than expected. One thing for sure, I'm actually pretty glad about Robert Pattinson being the actor for Edward Cullen! Hehheh. I actually didn't liked him, but when I saw the way he acted and the ways he expressed each and every expression that Edward should have, I must say, I'm impressed!

Lalala~... Sorry, but I'm not in the mood to blog, but I thought that I should, so I did.

See ya!

Infatuation!

2008-12-12T21:26:00.000+08:00

Don't ask why, but this is one brit I've got the hots for. (:

Money, money, money!

2008-12-11T18:21:00.000+08:00

Sigh... Money!!! Where to find?!

I never knew that private education would be so expensive! I mean, yeah, I know, it would definitely cost me more than studying in a polytechnic or going back to a secondary school, but WTF!!! I'm so lost now. I don't know how the fuck I'm going to be able to afford private education, even if it is for one year, much less pay for the fees of GCE O levels examination.

Sigh...

Anyway, I'm going to drop by CHEC and maybe also call BMC Academy to check out the rates. I know that they state everything online, but... I'm going to try my best to get my way over this hurdle. Maybe I'll be lucky enough and get some sort of large inheritance from some long lost uncle?? Haha... I'm dreaming, but... A beggar can dream, can't she? :)

Wish me luck(or something)!!

P.S.: By the way, guys, Merry Christmas! 14 more days to the big day!!! (:

Change, the one thing that will never stop.

2008-12-11T00:26:00.001+08:00

So... Haha.. I've just had a trying week. Man, am I tired.

My parents just made a rather significant decision that would change my life, and my brother's too (insert big D-word here). I most probably will be moving house, hopefully to somewhere not too far from here where I'm currently staying, and I really hope that I would get to stay with my mom instead of my dad. I've also made some life-changing decisions for myself, the most important one being that I'm quitting my education in polytechnic soon and will hop back to the train to O levels. I'm going to work hard, in both studies and work, and reap the results that I ought to have by the end of next year. Yep.

I guess I'm pretty nonchalant about my parents' decision actually. Maybe it's because I've always seen it coming and now that it's here, I find there no need to have any great reactions anymore. (Of course, let's all ignore the fact that I spent my Sunday night crying my eyeballs out because reality crashed) I'm just hoping that this decision that was made would do more good than harm. I will greatly miss this neighborhood. Miss the nights when I could just go to the 24hrs supermarket just because I had a craving, miss the times when I could just hop by to Geral's place, miss the total convenience that I find when moving around this area... Sigh. Wish me luck, people!

Of course, as opposed to my attitude towards my parents' decision, I am more worried about re-taking O levels. I mean, I haven't been in touch with the syllabus for so long that I'm not so sure that I'll be able to catch up in time to come. Furthermore, I'm afraid that I will not be able to achieve what I dream to. Then again, if I don't hold strong to this decision I've made, how the fuck will I be able to swallow the regret I know I will feel in future? Tsktsk.

Anyway, that's about it. My life in the past few days... Hope you guys had better luck than I did!!

P.S.: By the way, did I tell you? I'm picking up art again. Mainly because I've always wanted to. Geral just gave me a theme to work on, and for that I'm grateful. Maybe tomorrow, I'll scan in my sketches for you to see? Heh...

P.S.S.: And, did I say? I FOUND SOME NEW MOVIES BY ALAN RICKMAN!!! OMG!!! I LOVE THAT BRIT OK! *hops around, feeling high*

Ciao!

Help me find peace.

2008-12-04T12:30:00.000+08:00

Hide And Seek - Imogen Heap

Ranson notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
Speak no feeling no I don't believe you
You don't care a bit,
You don't care a bit

~Imogen Heap, Hide and seek

While the rest of the world shakes their head to the music of Britney Spears and Demi Lovato, I find myself immersed in this melodic piece of Imogen Heap. Her voice, the tone used, the words involved... They all brought tears to my eyes because I feel them, so deeply in my soul.

and I can't help but weep.

Our Song.

2008-11-26T22:19:00.000+08:00

I really like this song. Hahah... I'm so bored I'm actually deciding a song for my wedding. I'm stupid. I don't have a boyfriend, so no fiance or husband. So no wedding. Haha. I wish for one, seriously, but I'm skeptical about relationships now. Anyway, enough about me. This song is nice. I like it. HEH.

Trance.

2008-11-26T19:30:00.000+08:00

I'm not a person who only likes a specific genre of music. Rock, punk, classic, techno... They all work for me. In fact, most of the time I can just go through my songs like no body's business. My only objection would be that for metal. I just cannot take metal. I can't even call them songs, because it's just noise and there is no music involve. Absolutely painful for me delicate, pampered ears.

I think there will be a day when I would be able to call myself an audiophile. Heh. I hope so. I'll most probably need music everywhere I go to.

Bah. Anyway, I currently have that techno song above in my playlist. I know it's not the best out there, but I really like the bass and it keeps my adrenaline flowing. It's also a good distraction, now that I have too many problems and issues that I'd rather not face yet.

Sigh.

I plead temporary insanity.

Lost.

2008-11-25T22:46:00.000+08:00

Someone please tell me where to go, what to do.
Teach me how to take the next step away.
Please.
I can't do this on my own.

Words, the only thing I have for you.

2008-11-25T11:34:00.000+08:00

"It's only words, and words are all I have, to take your heart away."
~ Bee Gees, Words

Haha... It's been a long time since I've heard this song. I always thought that I have it in my archive, but well, apparently not. So anyway, I actually grew up listening to the Bee Gees, especially during a period where my dad was totally crazy about their songs. I think in that period, I have heard their songs so many times I unconsciously started to sing the songs while I showered. :)

Well, I love their voice, in any case. I know, they kinda sound whiny when you are not in the mood to listen to their songs, but when I listen to them nowadays, they just sound amazing to me. Ah, their voice... I think only Severus Snape could have a smoother voice.

Haha.

I'm delirious, sue me.

Your Song. :)

2008-11-22T02:33:00.003+08:00

So, I was out with Gladys today. Went to Pepper Lunch(Finally!) for dinner. Really nice! I enjoyed the texture of the rice, and the taste of everything mixed together; so complicated, yet so delightful. All you Pepper Lunch virgins, go lose your virginity now! It's something that you would not ever regret. I swear.

After dinner, we went to Kino and I was trying to explain some of the abbreviations in knitting instructions to Gladys. Had to hands on with her current project to show her. I think the Kino people must have thought that I'm crazy. We went to look through some fictional books after the knitting episode and I realise that I really miss book-browsing with Gladys. I can still remember that when we were in lower sec, we visited the library together all the time. SokEng would, sometimes, look so blur and put off by some of the books I chose due to the "explicit" pictures some of the romance books had. Sigh, those were the days.

Anyway, after that, I took a bus to Plaza Singapura so that I could show Gladys my workplace and at the same time she could take a look at the yarn collection at Spotlight. I bought a "Fairy Cupcake" and shared with her, and guess what? Marcus had very nicely added a scoop of ice-cream for us. Squee!!! So nice of him! Heh... I think I was almost floating with all that sugar in me after some time, because I started to proclaim myself as Gladys' "Fickle-minded lover". I suspect that the sugar also caught up with Gladys because she went all teasing and poking, and I was trying to resist pushing her off the moving escalators that brought us to spotlight. I'm sad to say though, that Spotlight has been really disappointing these days. The yarn area was so bare that I wanted to cry. All the nice yarnsies on the display tables near the entrance were taken to God-knows-where, and in their place sat terribly-Christmassy things. Ugh, I can swear that this is the first time in months that I've felt such hostile feelings for Christmas! It was definitely HORRIBLE.

We left Spotlight empty-handed and after taking a look in "Sembawang", the CD shop, I decidedly dragged Gladys to the Cathay and straight to Gramophone. Good thing we went there too, because they are having some kind of Warehouse sales for their old stocks. Gladys and I spent quite a lot of time and money there and as much as I was happy with what I found (Disney Recess, The Mummy, Evan Almighty, Desperation and HP & the Sorceress Stone-All below $10 and only the Disney cartoon wasn't DVD), I am frustrated that I could not find any films with Alan Rickman in them (I miss the man, dammit!). Gladys complained about the amount she spent (LOL) all the way to the MRT and after sometime, she stopped (I then told her about my decision to get another part-time job). We managed to catch a train to Marina Bay and back (Whoo-hoo~! Seats!). Listened to music from Gladys' handphone all the way while I played my Zune's sudoku and at some parts of the very very nice songs, we ended up singing along. Funny! :)

And that was my day. :)

~*~*~

My love for this scene grew again as Gladys and I listened to the songs in her phone. I was reminded of the love that was in the lyrics and some parts of me now wonder who Elton John wrote this song for. Must be someone important. :)

Anyway, at the start of the video, it's a little awkward because Satine (Nicole Kidman) was all sexual and horny. LOL. I was trying really hard not to laugh at Christian's (Ewan Macgregor) expression when he was reciting poetry and all he saw was Satine thrusting around on her bed. My favourite bit was the part when Christian starts singing (Can you hear the angels join in?) and Satine just stares at him with awe. It was really really good, that scene. *Shudders with delight* Did I mention that in that bit, all my goosebumps suddenly decided to visit? Heh.

By the way, the movie is Moulin Rouge. :)

Ah well, I have to go now. I'm meeting up with a lady called Khloe tomorrow to collect my Holga. Yep, it's finally here!!! My beloved. Whoo~!!!!

Goodnight!

Pictures scorned.

2008-11-20T01:16:00.000+08:00

I was actually going to post some photos that I took earlier on, but I'm not going to, because according to someone, I'm not good enough.

Sigh.

"You should stop having the right to affect me."

But he doesn't know that. He never would understand it anyway.

I'm on my own now, on my own 2 feet.

I shouldn't be talking to him anymore.

He doesn't want to be here, so why am I even clinging?

Bittersweet.

Ugh.

I should go to hell.

Someone AK me please. Or a strong Crucio. I need the pain.

Thank you.

Going crazy.

2008-11-17T21:49:00.000+08:00

Last night I dreamt of "Him" again. Wearing an orange tee, those faded cheap jeans he always wore, cheap sneakers that he bought from a shop near where he lived, and that godawful cigarette that he always smoked. It was horrible...

I walked past him quietly, trying to slip pass him, then suddenly, he turns and looked at me in the eyes. Panicking, I grabbed my friend's arm and broke into a run, dragging her along with me.

I never had the speed or stamina to outrun him.

He caught me and pulled me into his arms, and I just could not get free. My nose got a whiff of that nauseatingly pungent odor that came off him in waves; it was as he he hadn't showered in days. I continued my struggle to get free and once he released the hold he had of me, I moved to place as much distance between us as possible, while trying to fight off that stubborn urge to take off again and leave him behind. I didn't run though, as I had a strange feeling that I had to confront him. So, I stood my ground, taking in deep breathes as an attempt to calm my ragged nerves, and lifted my head, locking eye with him.

"I..."

Damn, I woke up then. It was really tiring when someone continuously assault one in one's dream!

Ugh.

As of today.

2008-11-14T00:32:00.000+08:00

As of today, I will be planning my next course of action concerning my education. I don't know how long it is going to take, making this decision. It's going to be difficult, and a fickle-minded person like myself will never find it easy to make decisions fast and on the go. So I'm going to try out the different roads and then make a decision. I know I have 3 major choices, 4 actually, but I'm not going to leave studying, so the last choice is not valid in this instance.

As you all know, I'm studying at RP now. Personally, I'm finding it very difficult to stay on studying this way, presentations everyday. However, a senior of mine advised me to either stay on, or to retake my O levels. He mentioned that in the next 2 years, things will be very different from now. So my first choice is to remain studying in RP, take my course, work hard in it, graduate, and go to Uni.

My 2nd choice is that I could retake my O levels next year, most probably while still in RP. After all, 2nd year would not be so difficult as 3rd year, and retaking only 3 subject would not be too bad, right? I hope so...

Last choice would be to try to get a transfer to NP... THe toughest one now, so.... Heh.

Anyway, as you can see, my paragraphs are getting shorter and shorter. Tired tired. Good night. (:

Damn

2008-11-09T02:10:00.000+08:00

Dammit. The previous post look like shit. DAMN.

08 November 08

2008-11-09T01:37:00.003+08:00

So, less than 24 hours ago, I made a new friend, went to Rowell Road with Geral and said friend, twisted my ankle while searching for a Lomography Gallery, found aforementioned gallery, enjoyed what was in the gallery, walked from gallery to coffee shop, ate meepok, walked around a mall, walk from mall to bus stop, took bus, got lost in bus, dropped off at Redhill MRT station, took yet another bus, went to National Library, borrowed books, walked from Library to the Cathay, went to Ben and Jerry's, watched new friend polish off an extremely expensive banana split, left Ben and Jerry's for the Cathay Gallery, watched some funny old malay movie trailers in aforesaid gallery, exited the gallery, strolled to Gramaphone, browsed items in Gramaphone, headed for Dhoby Ghaut MRT from the Cathay, took MRT, joked on MRT with Geral and aforementioned new friend, got off MRT at Admiralty station, went to Mac to have dinner and meet up with an ex-schoolmate(Sorry, don't know how to spell her name) whom Geral was talking to, finished dinner, met Dad, came home, and read Flawed Lines.

Phew. I don't know if you realised it, but I just described my day with just one sentence. Please ignore the fact that the sentence cannot be read in one breathe.

Here are some pictures I took at the Lomography gallery:

I really liked the way the photographer did this. It's brilliant.

This piece was damn cute. 5 stars!

Burst of colours, that's what this is. Pretty!!!

P.S.: I know my photography skills, it's damn amateur. But I swear, I'm trying!

P.S.S.: New friend is very funny, nice too! But I didn't put in his name cuz I don't know how he will feel about his name being up here. so... heh.

Snakes on a plane!!!

2008-11-08T21:34:00.000+08:00

Haha... You'll never guess what I found!

"Snakes" on a freaking plane!!!! So cute!!! Love Draco and Severus in this... XD

It's over!

2008-11-08T00:10:00.000+08:00

Well.... Haha. Nice day today. Very boring in the morning, but I have 2 cakes now(from family and friends), and some presents. :) Will take pictures, I think.

Anyway, I'm gonna sleep soon. Going to a lomography gallery tomorrow. With Geral and her friend. So yeah. Good night.

What I wish for a birthday night.

2008-11-07T16:52:00.000+08:00

You know what I would really wish for one of the birthdays to come?

Someone who would share an Azabu Sabo Hokkaido ice cream with me
Someone to walk along Singapore River with me
Someone who would seat with me at Esplanade with me until sun rises
Someone who will be willing to snuggle with me the next day cuz we're too tired to move

Think I'll ever get that?

Happy Birthday to me! :)

2008-11-07T12:17:00.000+08:00

Ok... So I was too dramatic last night. Hey! Lack of sleep does that to people, alright?

Actually, I'm pretty happy today. Glad that people(Loved ones especially!) still remember that I'm turning 17 today. Even Mom smsed me from China... Heh. I hope she's having fun there!! :)

Anyway, I haven't gotten many birthday presents yet(hoping for some more^^). I did get a surprise birthday treat from Nicholas. (^^,) Damn nice of him to give me a cup of cookies and cream milkshake!

And Christina sent me an Ecard+a Birthday song last night. So sweet of her...

Thanks guys!

Birthdays and Dream

2008-11-06T23:27:00.000+08:00

You know, people always look forward to their birthdays, right?

Well, then I'm not human then.

Why?
Because I find that I'm not at all excited, thrilled, or overly zealous any way. Not at all.

Blame it on the hormones, people. Not on the absence of some people, not on the fact that I have no life. Just try being a little normal, a little stereotypical, and blame it on the hormones.

Sigh.

Forgive me.
I'm tired, and
I miss someone who doesn't exist outside the dream realm.

Maybe it's because my conscious side has grown hungry for someone more to be there. At the end of the day, what reality can't fulfill is what my dreams try to provide.

Ok. I need to stop this inane babbling now.
Sorry.
I'll return tomorrow.
I think.

New start, again

2008-11-06T00:21:00.000+08:00

I realized that I've only started my blog a month ago, and now I have deleted all my posts, changed the cbox to a new one, and completely edited the template. I feel so fickle-minded. But then again, it's my blog, so people who don't agree to what I do, *shrugs*, it's none of your business anyway. Not to sound arrogant or stuck up, but this is my space, mine, and no one else's. The tagboard is naught but a place to communicate with my friends. So, please try to understand. (Heh, I'm trying so hard to convince people whom I doubt exist. That is, the flamers, whom I have often imagine to exist)

Anyway, I'll try to remain committed to this blog for as long as I can, maybe for years to come. I know that is not impossible because I have see people - friends, classmates, whoever - have a long history of blog archive. So with this observation, I know it's not outside my abilities to stay erm..faithful, to this blog. I still may visit my old blog (Which has been linked at the sidebar), maybe due to some form of need for space outside this space. A moment or infidelity, if I may.

I am not a very consistent blogger, I must say. At some weeks, I may just go blogging maybe twice or thrice daily. At other days, I just end up neglecting my blog, popping in just to check the tagboard for anything important. I don't treat this as a diary, so no, I don't do daily recordings of my life here. I do, however, post things that I find interesting, or just simply lovely to me here. Sometimes I do become weird or random, and I also may have some ranting sessions here. I may, also post some of my favorite online stories, website, and things as such, and at the start of each recommendation put up warnings about the things recommended. I do this simply because I know my taste can be different at times, and I really do not wish to offend the delicate side of anyone at all. So please, do read the warnings. Don't start blaming me if you faint in your classroom or end up doing something stupid after reading what I've published.

This is a new beginning, a fresh start. My personal writing style would, in ways, differ from my past publications. If you don't like it, don't come back. I would appreciate if you could do me a favour and nudge me when I have grammar mistakes. Thank you.

Well, I've got to go. :)
Good night.